Yesterday my brother, in his usual brash and blatant manner, asked me if I was a fag.

I said no.

It was a lie.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't just come out and say it. My usual train of thought is that it's none of his business. I often dream up scenarios where one of my close friends has the courage to outright ask me and my planned response was supposed to be, "Let me ask you a question: what does it matter?" Because, to me, it shouldn't. Why do they need to know my sexual orientation? What do they gain from that knowledge? Will they treat me any differently than they do now? A part of me thinks that they will, even on a subconscious level, because they'll try to move me into this role of what they perceive is normal from other people or tiptoe around my preferences. Why is everyone so curious? Is it any business of theirs who and what I find attractive? The same standard isn't set to 'straight' people; not every heterosexual person is asked to disclose this information with family and friends, and there's no judgment with their answer. That's why I've held back in saying anything.

The few people who know are people in my life who are also gay or have had confusions about what they feel. Usually they display some sort of conflicting emotions and come to me for advice because they think I'm trustworthy enough to share their confusion and contemplations, not knowing I'm not straight myself. Usually I try to get them to see from my point of view in order to aide them in their own quest for self-discovery and what that means, exactly.

The most common question is, "How do you know if you're gay?" I asked that once too in my younger years because I was admittedly terrified by the thought of finally coming to terms with it myself. For me, the answer has been this: I've always known. When I was five years old I kissed another girl for the first time. Throughout my early childhood my crushes were on fellow females, usually friends.

It wasn't until I was just starting junior high when I realized how these feelings were "wrong" and tried to stifle them. I rejected the stereotypical female behavior after puberty and instead adopted the masculine traits I still retain now. The sense of being different from everyone kicked in. I became very introverted and cautious about whom I interacted with after that, the stereotypical loner with few close friends and keeping to herself. I finally met a girl who was infatuated with me because of my stoic nature and she ultimately led me to accept my feelings.

One night in bed I laid there and denied all of the past events in my life that led me to believe I was possibly interested in the same sex. Then when I said it aloud in a tiny whisper, the catalyst of, "I'm gay" it made the experience real. I felt this wash of peace over me and the equilibrium I'd been looking for all along. Closure, happiness, giddiness even. I had a grin on my face the rest of the night when I tried to get comfortable enough to drift off and share the good news with her in the morning.

Since then my viewpoint on the whole thing has shifted, just not drastically. For the longest time I identified as being bisexual, meaning I was interested in both the male and female sex. Then I met two people who changed my life yet again. Names withheld, both of them were so different and shed new light on how I felt about those around me and turned me to a side I'd never even considered before.

I consider myself pansexual. To me, bisexual implies that one is attracted to both sexes. But what pansexuality implies is the attraction to the entire spectrum of orientations and outward appearances. In layman's terms, I'll like who I like, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation or sex. Sex in these terms means the physical attributes below the belt and gender is the social construct of the culture. Anyway, this was an orientation I had stumbled on over a year ago and felt that connection, that sense of, "This is exactly how I see myself and I can't believe it exists!"

The fact is, I'm a private person. I'm quiet. I don't like to flaunt my sexuality because I'm not interested in anyone romantically at the moment and I am not involved in a relationship. If I had a girlfriend then it would be appropriate to explain to my family as to why. Besides, they have their suspicions. My overzealous rants about marriage equality and love for many aspects of the gay culture as a whole have been more than hints as to how I feel.

At one point I planned to tell them and gained the courage to blurt it out, but the moment soon turned anticlimactic when they left the room to have a cigarette outside. By then my resolve diminished and I was too nervous to bring it up when they returned and I swallowed so that the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach would subside. I know they'll accept me because that's who they are but it doesn't make it any easier to let them know, let alone the few friends I've kept.

To anyone who is reading this: this is my official coming out. If you bothered to click on it then you know. I'm pansexual, or bisexual if you prefer something more common. I have a slight preference for women. I've known since I was just a child and have held it to myself and a minimal circle for two decades. I'm unsure as to whether I should continue to do so but there haven't been any contenders in my love life yet so I'll hold my breath until then.